Too far away

Tonight is a night when it's hard to be so far away from my family. I was going to say, "far away from home," but my home is here. The family I made, the house we bought, this is my home for now. My original "home," the house where I grew up in Maryland, has long since been replaced by new digs in Florida; my Mom and Dad, and Brother and his family all moved South when I went West.

I called Mom tonight because R has been feverish. She's had one or two fevers from teething before, but they always went away after administering ibuprofen. This is different. She woke up at 3 am last night, screaming bloody murder. I put teething gel on her gums before I noticed how hot she was: 100º. I gave her ibuprofen and held and rocked her for a half hour. She still felt hot so I took her socks off. Another temperature reading gave 101º. Crap, it's going up. I took her pj's off and held and rocked her naked self for another half hour. Still 101º. At this point I took her to the bathroom to give her a lukewarm bath with a cool washcloth on the back of her neck. She enjoyed playing in the tub. I took her out of the bath when the flush in her cheeks went away. It was 5 am. The readings after that came up as 101º, 98º, and 98º. I kept checking because she FELT cooler, so how could she still be 101º?? (It was a temple thermometer by ReliOn. I have since thrown it away because it is so unreliable.) Senpai was awake for work at that point, and he told me I should try to get back to bed. I tried, but she never fell back to sleep. I would calm her down, go back to my room, slide under the covers, and as soon as I got warmed up she would start crying again. That continued until 6:20 when I gave up and lied down on her carpet. She was walking all around the room, stepping over me, and making disgruntled noises. I admitted it was time to start the day at 7. Neither of us had gotten any sleep since she first woke up at 3.

Her temperature throughout the day was on the warm side but not feverish. I kept her in her pi's, I was still in my robe, and we spent the morning watching Winnie the Pooh. Time was moving so slowly. I was desperately hoping for the clock to strike 11. That's when I would make an early lunch and haul us both off to bed, but I couldn't wait; started making lunch at 10:30. She barely touched her food and only ate spoonful upon spoonful of beef broth. After the post-lunch potty routine I took her upstairs only to have her scream and refuse to get in her bed. I was beyond tired, having a hard time not nodding off myself, so I took her to bed with me. That never happens. She had slept in our bed when she was a newborn, but since she's become more aware of her surroundings, getting into Mommy and Daddy's bed means fun for her, she gets instantly wired. So I took her to my bed not having any idea if she would actually fall asleep, but I was hoping she would just play quietly enough for me to sleep. I sat on the bed and rocked her in my arms first as she was still quite upset from me trying to put her in her bed. When she calmed down enough, I laid us down together and curled around her. Her head on my arm, she fell asleep almost instantly. I followed not too far behind her. She woke up crying after a half hour. I calmed her down and we went back to sleep. She woke up after another half hour. This time I notice she's wiping her nose and having trouble breathing. I give her some Benedryl which puts her out for a heavenly two hours straight.

After nap time she was clingy and lethargic. Both of us were lethargic, actually. She didn't eat her dinner until I made Cup-a-Soup, which Daddy lovingly spoon fed to her. She looked beyond tired. I checked her temperature and it was back up to 101º. I gave Senpai explicit directions as I had to leave to go to bellydance class. I was worried the whole class. When I came home, Senpai confirmed that he had followed my directions. I went upstairs to check on R who was fast asleep, and was scared to see that her temperature had not gone down. I immediately called my Mom. R was asleep, and I didn't want to have to wake her to give her a cool bath, so I really wanted to know if it'd be okay for her to continue to sleep through the fever. Mom's reaction was, "Call the nurse line. And call your brother; something difficult for him happened last night."

I was calling the nurse line when Senpai went upstairs with a different thermometer, and it came up with a temperature of 97.6º for R. I was so relieved. I checked with another thermometer, got the same result, and that's when I threw the ReliOn one away. Not reliable at all. Senpai had angled her mattress to make it easier for her to breath, she does not have a fever now and is sleeping soundly, so after I cleared things up with the nurse I hung up and called my brother.

That phone call made me wish I was right there in the same room with him, giving him a huge, squishy hug. The feeling hasn't left yet. I am too far away to help him the way I'd like. It aches... the place in my heart where I hold him dear. We were so close as kids. We grew apart as we grew up, both through interaction and distance, and I don't regret that; it's just how it goes. The love was always still there. Now that he's going through this hardship, though, the distance feels like a million miles. And I know that if I were to hop on a plane sometime soon, tomorrow even, it would be too late. Right now. Scotty, beam me South. I'm too far away.

For The Next Kid

Throughout R's babyhood we've been buying her things that would also work "for the next kid."

"Cloth diapers and wipes are great! We can also use them for the next kid."

"Let's get this [insert random baby item] in gender neutral colors, so we can also use it for the next kid."

"We'll pack up R's old clothes in storage, just in case the next kid is a girl."


And that's how we've been going all along, planning ahead and saving every little baby item that R no longer uses, because our next baby might need it. Except lately we've been thinking there won't be a next baby. The desire to give her a sibling comes and goes, but more often than not, I return to the thought, "She'll be okay as an only child." Still I continue to squirrel away R's leftovers, not knowing what else to do with them, and not entirely sure that we won't need them again.

The prospective sibling has already been named (our girl name also happens to share the name of a new perfume, so I think of a baby girl every time I smell the ad in a magazine), and that may be where I'm having trouble letting go. I've already imagined the two of them together, getting into squabbles, trying my patience, but also playing with and loving on each other.

She'll be okay as an only child... right?


Her best friend.

Health concerns most certainly warn me to not risk another pregnancy. And after some tough times with R, I've had doubts about how "good" of a mother I could be to two children. In motherhood I am realizing that throwing tantrums won't cut it anymore, not if I want to remain cool and teach my child how to properly manage her anger. After an extremely stressful morning last week where Senpai ended up going to work three hours late because I had a meltdown and needed him to take over trying to get R back to sleep, I felt an intense desire to get help managing my anger. I found it yesterday in the form of a parenting book that I have thoroughly underlined and will most likely finish tonight. I'm still growing as a parent, that much is for certain, but the growth comes because the stressors are there. If your kids don't test you, who will? So it's hypothetical that maybe, just maybe (with lots more books), I might be able to effectively parent two. It's a theory, at least.

Will we have another? I don't know. Like I said, the feeling comes and goes, ebbs and flows with my hormones, the full moon, the tide, seeing other mothers with two children, seeing siblings relate to one another, and then seeing R sitting by herself, playing quietly with her toys.

My heart is thumping with the possibility. My head holds it in check. Who knows what the end result will be.

The Difference Between "Awake" and "Upset"

I am learning the difference between "awake" and "upset."

Before October, when just R, Senpai, and I lived in our house, R slept through the night. She was in her own room, sleeping peacefully in her own space. Of course, her room was over the kitchen, so in this old house where noise travels easily, a dish or pan lid clattering too loudly from Mommy and Daddy making dinner below would cause her to start crying, and then Mommy or Daddy would be bolting up the stairs to help her find her pacifier. It wasn't a perfect sleep. There were many "pacifier interventions" as we call them, but she seemed to have outgrown needing a bottle and diaper change in order to fall back to sleep.

Then the in-laws moved into her room. R's crib was hauled over to Mommy and Daddy's room. She didn't sleep through the night anymore. From October to the end of February, even after she had been moved out of Mommy and Daddy's room and into the brand new bedroom that had been built just for her over the dining room (nothing happens in there, lol), she would need at least one bottle in the middle of the night, sometimes even two.



Her pediatrician had been telling me all along that nutritionally she did not need those extra bottle-feedings, that she needed to learn how to self-soothe. I really did believe her, but when R woke up screaming at midnight... 2 am... 5 am... a bottle was the only thing that would calm her down and get her back to sleep. And I (frazzled, depressed, at the end of my rope) desperately needed her to sleep. The nighttime feedings continued on and on, until our extended guests eventually moved out.

The house is quieter with them gone. Senpai and I are much calmer (and happier!), and it seems like R can finally relax enough to stay out for the entire night. The change happened almost immediately. Senpai's parents left Saturday, and Sunday through Tuesday nights were completely uninterrupted. Then I got cocky and wrote a facebook status update about R sleeping through the entire night, so, of course, she woke up Wednesday night. But last night, I noticed something. Yes, she woke up, but she wasn't upset. She burbled and made some, "Hey, where is everyone?" type chirps, but she wasn't crying. I let her be. I knew if she saw me she would start crying for a bottle, so I just laid in bed next to Senpai and waited, listening to the monitor, to see what she would do. She didn't cry. The chirps and burbles continued for almost an hour, and then she drifted back to sleep. It was beautiful. I didn't have to do anything. The difference between "awake" and "upset" is everything.

War Zone

There's a certain sigh of relief that can be expelled when the long, hard battle is over. We survived. We barely made it by the skin on our teeth, but we're still here. Exhale...

Senpai's parents moved out. They have job interviews lined up many states away, a vague direction of where they're going, and a van full of stuff to take them there. Such is how their life goes.

I feel like I can breath again.

There's a whole half of R's first year that I want to forget. "Edit," Senpai said, "Take out the bad, but remember the good." October to March is a very long time to edit. Delete pictures, remove items from the house, deconstruct the guest bedroom so it can never ever hold guests again. Welcome to my new craft/massage room. If somebody comes to town they can stay in the motel down the street. I'm serious. The motel has good fares. My house will never be a war zone again.

My heart has been hardened and I can't go back to being the innocent girl I was before. I only ever wanted to be a good person. I'm a peacemaker, but to keep the peace on the outside I couldn't keep the peace within myself. I've become battle worn and weary. Boundaries were crossed and I couldn't hold them. My heart was trampled and I couldn't stand up for myself or my family. My side lost the war, and the enemy has moved on to destroy other towns and villages. With them gone, it is time to fortify the defenses. Bolster the troops for the next wave. Morale is low...

I'm looking forward to getting my joy back.

She Looks Depressed

I drafted an e-mail that I don't have the guts to send. I keep hoping that I'll grow a spine someday, but no, it will likely never happen.

R deserves a happy mom. That's not me right now. There's nothing I can do. I spin my wheels and fly into internal rages but nothing will change from that. The change will come eventually, when other factors all come together. Other factors that have nothing to do with me or my temper. So I swallow my anger, put on a mask, and try to pretend like everything's okay. It's not okay. R is beautiful and charming and tries to cheer me up with a gurgle or a smile, and I can't enjoy it. The birds are chirping and every day looks more like Spring, but my heart doesn't flutter like I know it would under happier circumstances. It just thumps along, trying to make it through another day. I don't like this at all.

R deserves a happy mom. I wish it were me.

I'm Home!

It's been a lo-o-ong day. So long, in fact, that I went to bed that night after writing only that first sentence. Okay, let's try this again.

It was Senpai's idea. My parents' birthdays are both at the end of January. Mom had called me earlier in the month to remind me that Dad was turning 60 this year. Uh oh, I thought, I gotta do something special, but what? Then Senpai asked me, "Why don't you go down to see them?" He has to spend a week in Texas sometime soonish for work training, and he wanted to offset that delightful week on my own with R by sending me on a fun trip to Florida to see my family. "That's great!" I said, "But I'm taking R with me." He had braced himself for the idea of spending the weekend alone with R, but I convinced him that the surprise visit would be more of a gift to my parents if they could see their grandbaby as well (they've seen enough of me in their lives, ha!). I called up my brother and asked if he could pick us up from the airport and lodge us for a couple of nights, and he agreed. It was set!

There was a minor setback when my brother told me that Mom and Dad were spending the entire weekend at Disney World. Um... R and I don't mind tagging along at Disney World; they'd take us, right?? Bro was under the impression that Mom was looking forward to spending the time alone with Dad, but I was hopeful that R and my unexpected arrival would spur a family day.

The flight out on Saturday morning went (thankfully) without a hitch. Bro and his wife, pregnant with twins, and their 17 month old daughter, C, met us at the airport and took us back to their house until the birthday dinner. The dinner was at a hibachi restaraunt in Orlando (Bro made the reservations). Mom texted him an hour before the dinner saying that they were there already. I was worried that she would find out how many people were on the reservation! When we got there, it turned out the restaurant hadn't even opened yet; other groups of people in addition to Mom and Dad were all waiting outside. Bro and C distracted them while R and I unloaded ourselves from the minivan (no quick task when there are carseats involved!). SIL held back to take pictures. I sidled up to Mom just as Bro said, "I hope you don't mind we invited a few other guests..."

She screamed at us.
"OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!"

Ahahaha, oh man, I wish we had recorded it. SIL got pics, which I can't wait to see. I didn't see Dad's initial reaction, but when he came up to R and I his eyes were shining. ^_^


SIL, C, Bro, and R at the birthday dinner.


Oma, Grandad, and C at the birthday dinner.

We all went to the Magic Kingdom the next day.


R with Oma and Grandad at Toon Town.


R and C in Minnie's House.


Mommy and R with her new Winnie the Pooh doll.

R's favorite Disney character is Winnie the Pooh. She already had a Pooh doll at home that Grandma had given her for Christmas, but when R was fussing at Disney World and in need of a new toy, a Minnie plush would not do. Oh no, she had no love for Minnie, so then I held up that Pooh doll you see in the picture, and she smiled real big. Yeah, she has two Pooh's now. Oh, and I'm so sad! We had just rounded the corner to the Pooh attraction and there were the Pooh and Tigger characters, getting pictures taken with people! They had just finished with one group and I held on to R for dear life and made a beeline up to them, but then the Disney guards closed in and the characters started walking away as they waved cheerily. I was so heart broken. :-( It made no difference to R because she was looking the other way and didn't even see the characters. Oh well. Maybe she'll get her picture taken with Pooh next time.

Our time in Florida was extended due to the storm as I mentioned in a previous post. Mom and I went to Universal Studios on Monday while Dad watched R (Butterbeer is gooooood), and then R and I packed up to finish our stay at Mom and Dad's house. I got to watch Mom's play rehearsal (she's always in a play. It's hard to keep up sometimes with what character she's doing in what show, but she's a very good actress.), and then Dad took R and I to the local wildlife park to see the manatees and Florida's only hippo.

It was a very pleasant trip. I missed Senpai terribly by the end of it, but he was making good progress on R's room, so it was good that he stayed up in the snowy north. Mom and Dad enjoyed their birthday presents, Bro and family got to meet R and vice versa, and it was overall just a great idea. Thanks, Senpai.

Update: Mom ordered this pic from Disney. Group photo! (Just ignore Mickey kicking R in the head.)

Blizzard Warning

I've got the Weather Channel on in the background chirping out the latest news about the winter storm in St. Louis. I need the TV to tell me these things as I am sitting here in sunny Florida, missing all of it. I don't mind missing the snow, sleet, and ice. What I do mind is missing my husband because my flight home tonight was rescheduled for Thursday.

I'll write more about the reason R and I flew down to Florida in the first place when I get back to my own computer and can upload the pictures from the camera, but here's a teaser:


Senpai stayed home to paint R's room while we are away. An upside to our having to delay our return flight is that Senpai does need the extra time to finish the project. He sent me this picture earlier today:


It looks great. I'm happy that he had the day off from work today due to the storm, but I wish I could've been there to help. Before I turned on the Weather Channel, I kept calling him to get updates on the weather and the painting progress, and he'd report back how much he hurt. :-( Maybe he wouldn't have been so overworked if I had been there, but if I were there, that would mean that R would also be there, and the whole point of Senpai tackling this task on his own while we're away is to protect R's budding brain cells from the paint fumes (Senpai had posted a facebook update, "For the amount of brain cells lost painting with KILZ primer I'm sadly disappointed I didn't get a buzz. I guess I'll have to do this the old fashion way...BEER!" lol).

Loving being with my family, but also definitely looking forward to Thursday when I'll return home to snow, sleet, ice, and Senpai. ^_^

Thankful for... yeah.

If I seem closed-lipped and grumpy lately, it's because the in-laws are living with us.

While Senpai and my families are similar in some ways (mom and dad still together and well, one boy child and one girl child), they are also so very, very different, creating different environments to have grown up in, like night and day. Senpai, being the progeny of his parents, molds and blends right in with the chaos of having them here. He is so mellow and easy-going and all of my calm rests in him. Me, on the other hand, I feel like an outsider, and rightfully so, since I was raised by my parents. Completely different households, completely different personalities. I'm the third wheel that doesn't belong in this house. My house.

I don't watch the same movies as the three of them, I don't eat the same food, I don't laugh at the same jokes, and, no, I do not appreciate having my mom and I insulted on Thanksgiving. Once again, NO. Not in my house, not on Thanksgiving, not EVER. I'm pretty sure MIL wants me out of the picture. Just replace me with a woman who cleans more, eats everything, and continues to cook a wonderful meal for everyone to enjoy without getting upset that her heart was just crushed and she is expected to keep smiling while her and her family are badmouthed.

I'll get my heart crushed. I love my husband too much to go anywhere. Just don't expect me to smile anymore. What am I thankful for this Thanksgiving? That my daughter is healthy. That my husband loves me and keeps me (somewhat) sane in spite of the chaos. That my mom and dad and brother understand me exactly as I am.

That's about it right now.

Stress in the Home

I don't handle stress well. My heart pounds, my body shakes, my blood sugar skyrockets.

Stress is in my home.

I don't want to be home.

Something was revealed to me today: an interesting facet to the life that all four of the adults in this house had been living with, but of which I had been blissfully unaware. Today the main perpetrator decided to get it off their chest and let me in on the secret, and it turned my comfort and understanding of this household upside down. Why did they have to tell me? I tense up just sitting here thinking about it.

I know that ultimately I need to become the bigger person and rise above the muck, but right now I feel so mired down into it that I don't know if I can get past it. I must get past it. As much as I want to say "f*ck you all, get out of my house," I can't do that. That is my lowest character. It is on my shoulders to suck up my stressed out feelings and continue to be the understanding and compassionate person that I thought I was. That I want to be. How do I get past it? Set the drama aside. Wring out this stress and hang me up to dry.

Pissy Halloween

I am pissed off. It's R's first Halloween. I spent countless hours late at night carefully sewing her costume. Once it was done, I made myself a matching costume (Senpai was left to fend for himself, but he did a great job on his costume). Today is Halloween. R is taking a nap right now, and when she wakes up there will be exactly a half hour left in her day for us to actually celebrate the holiday with her. I am really pissed off.

Senpai's parents are currently living with us. These are some gung ho people who always have at least one, but usually many, projects to do, and they waste no time in getting them done. Real go-getters. And when they're staying with us in our 118 year old house, the projects all have to do with our house (it has a lot of projects). I found out last Thanksgiving and Christmas, as my kitchen was demoed, that, according to this family, holidays are traditionally days to work on projects. That was all well and good when I was pregnant and looking forward to having a dishwasher, but now that our baby is here, I want to shift the focus.

I was so looking forward to having Senpai, R, and I dress up in our matching costumes and getting lots of pictures and video of us all enjoying the day and each other's company ON HALLOWEEN. Natural light, lots of smiles, good times. Now the sun is down, who knows how smiley R will be when she wakes up from her nap, and we'll be rushed to get all of the shots in instead of taking our time and acting natural. All because I had to plant tulips, Senpai and his dad had to start building a staircase to the garage attic, and Senpai's mom had to paint. I am pissed. Are tulips, staircases, and paint what Halloween is all about? NO! So why did we waste the day with them?? No more projects on holidays. Or at least change the order of things. Celebrate the holiday for what it is first, THEN plant tulips, build a staircase, paint, or even demo a kitchen if we have to.

To end this post on a happy note, here's a pic of R looking absolutely adorable as the sparkliest merbaby EVER. I took these pics last week when I finished sewing it. Since she's a mermaid, I also sewed myself a mermaid tail, and Senpai is a pirate. Happy Halloween.







*UPDATE* We were able to take a couple pics of the three of us. Senpai's parents were running errands and not around for the little window we had between when R woke up from the nap and when she had to go back to bed. I wish we had gotten a pic of the three of us with Senpai wearing his bandana, because I really liked that bandana and I think it completes his costume, but whatever. This is what we got:

Tomorrow: A Loaded Word

I go to the hospital tomorrow to have blood drawn for a test that will tell the specialists if I'm predisposed to get HELLP again in subsequent pregnancies. I only want one more, just one more, but I'm scared that I may not be able to have another child. It's not that I can't conceive the child-- Senpai and I had no problem producing Ms. R-- it's just that my body couldn't carry her full-term, and if that's the case for a future pregnancy, then the docs won't allow me to get pregnant. And I should listen to them, because they have my best health in mind. But... I want another child.

Growing up, it was always so reassuring for me to have my brother. I was so shy and had a hard time making my own friends, but I didn't feel alone because he was my friend. I'm sure there must've been times when he'd wish I would just leave him and his friends alone, but I wanted to play, too. And he let me. I have wonderful childhood memories because of my brother. I was (still am, I guess) a "one of two" child. I don't know how to be an only child. I can't relate to R if she has to be an only child. I really want her to have a sibling.

I want a son. I am so thankful to have my daughter who looks like me; I want a son who looks like his daddy. Black hair, deep brown eyes, olive skin... our little boy. I know adoption is always an answer, but I foresee so much stress and anxiety with that choice. I don't handle stress well at all. (Umm... why am I having kids? nervous laugh..) Sigh...

Tomorrow. Blood gets drawn. Wait. Results known later.

The stress is already here.

Family Ties

Today R met her Aunt E and Cousin K. Some family down, lots more to go! I started the list in my head and decided to scribble it out here.

So far, R has met:

0/3 Great Grandparents
2/4 Grandparents
1/2 Aunts
0/2 Uncles
1/4 Cousins (soon to be 6 with my brother's twins on the way!)
1/? Great Aunts
1/? Great Uncles
3/? Cousins once removed

I put ?'s for some categories because I am sadly unaware of Senpai's extended family; something we plan to remedy this September.

As an aside, Aunt E held R for awhile as we strolled around a mall. When I got R back, it was strange how she smelled like her Aunt E's perfume. I kept thinking, "This isn't how you're supposed to smell..." I can totally understand how some animals refuse to acknowledge their babies after humans touch them and make them smell different. No worries, though, I still love my R-baby. <3