Sunday, September 12, 2010

Tomorrow: A Loaded Word

I go to the hospital tomorrow to have blood drawn for a test that will tell the specialists if I'm predisposed to get HELLP again in subsequent pregnancies. I only want one more, just one more, but I'm scared that I may not be able to have another child. It's not that I can't conceive the child-- Senpai and I had no problem producing Ms. R-- it's just that my body couldn't carry her full-term, and if that's the case for a future pregnancy, then the docs won't allow me to get pregnant. And I should listen to them, because they have my best health in mind. But... I want another child.

Growing up, it was always so reassuring for me to have my brother. I was so shy and had a hard time making my own friends, but I didn't feel alone because he was my friend. I'm sure there must've been times when he'd wish I would just leave him and his friends alone, but I wanted to play, too. And he let me. I have wonderful childhood memories because of my brother. I was (still am, I guess) a "one of two" child. I don't know how to be an only child. I can't relate to R if she has to be an only child. I really want her to have a sibling.

I want a son. I am so thankful to have my daughter who looks like me; I want a son who looks like his daddy. Black hair, deep brown eyes, olive skin... our little boy. I know adoption is always an answer, but I foresee so much stress and anxiety with that choice. I don't handle stress well at all. (Umm... why am I having kids? nervous laugh..) Sigh...

Tomorrow. Blood gets drawn. Wait. Results known later.

The stress is already here.


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