Wednesday, February 16, 2011

She Looks Depressed

I drafted an e-mail that I don't have the guts to send. I keep hoping that I'll grow a spine someday, but no, it will likely never happen.

R deserves a happy mom. That's not me right now. There's nothing I can do. I spin my wheels and fly into internal rages but nothing will change from that. The change will come eventually, when other factors all come together. Other factors that have nothing to do with me or my temper. So I swallow my anger, put on a mask, and try to pretend like everything's okay. It's not okay. R is beautiful and charming and tries to cheer me up with a gurgle or a smile, and I can't enjoy it. The birds are chirping and every day looks more like Spring, but my heart doesn't flutter like I know it would under happier circumstances. It just thumps along, trying to make it through another day. I don't like this at all.

R deserves a happy mom. I wish it were me.



Danae Farias said...

I've enjoyed checking out your site. I just wanted to share because I suffered major depression when I had my son (he's now 6yo) & it can really destroy your life. But there is hope, things you can do make yourself feel better! Don't feel lost or hopeless! I would love to share more of how I'm handling depression with you! You can find me at

Danae@Believing Unbeliever

Natalie Jean (Bottoms) Kelsey said...

Kyla I hope you are feeling better soon. I have been chatting with a few people lately and we are thinking of starting up the Mastermind group again soon. Let me know if you are interested :) Also I have some ideas on babysitting during Mastermind if you wanted to just go as Kyla, solo :)

Natalie Jean (Bottoms) Kelsey said...

Hey I just noticed the last time you had a bad day..Jan 16....Relations to the moon do we...My blog too:) Darn moon, silly moon.. :)

She Looks Like a Mom said...

@Danae - Thank you for your kind words. This is just a little pothole compared to the chasm of depression I experienced in my teens. I know this will pass when the aggravating factors are removed in a week or so. The St. John's Wort is helping, too. ^_^

@Natalie - Interesting observation about the bad days. Yeah, when the full moon comes around. watch out! I'm game for Masterminds, just let me know when.

Peaches Ledwidge said...

I like your honesty.

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