Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Beginning of the End

It was bound to happen sometime, but it's still disappointing.

My milk is drying up.

I've been sick for over a week. I'm getting better, but I just can't stay hydrated enough. My supply has diminished, and I'm wondering if it's even worth it to continue sitting for pumping sessions. Of course it is. It's just so disappointing to come out with so very little milk at the end of 15 minutes... 20 minutes... no difference. I'm lucky if I get two ounces anymore.

I had wanted to give R breastmilk for a year. That was the idea. We're almost at 9 months. She's doing fine, she's great, really. She doesn't NEED it in the sense that formula disagrees with her. No, the formula sits with her just fine. I want to give her milk because of the immunity. Get her through the winter. That was my thinking. But I got sick. She didn't, which is huge in favor of continuing breastmilk, but I have to consider my health. My mental health is pining the loss of its ideals, my emotional health is going down with it, my physical health is getting better, but like I said, I'm just not hydrated enough to produce more milk, and I don't see that getting any better. I'm a sinking ship.

So do I continue? All signs point to no. Order a bulk batch of formula from Amazon and let that be it. Stop the depressing pumping sessions and use up what little milk is left in the freezer. But what about the two ounces that I am still getting? Will I really be okay with... giving up? Beat around the bush, but while my body still makes milk, that's what this boils down to: giving up. I had thought that I would pump and pump and pump until the bottles came out dry. I hadn't considered the mental or emotional effects of such steadfast ideals. My heart is already broken at two ounces, what will I feel with empty bottles? Am I already there? Is this the worst I can feel about it?

I can't just give up.

I'll continue to fight. My heart won't let me give up. Not yet. Not while I can still squeeze some drops of liquid from these dried up breasts.



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