Pissy Halloween

I am pissed off. It's R's first Halloween. I spent countless hours late at night carefully sewing her costume. Once it was done, I made myself a matching costume (Senpai was left to fend for himself, but he did a great job on his costume). Today is Halloween. R is taking a nap right now, and when she wakes up there will be exactly a half hour left in her day for us to actually celebrate the holiday with her. I am really pissed off.

Senpai's parents are currently living with us. These are some gung ho people who always have at least one, but usually many, projects to do, and they waste no time in getting them done. Real go-getters. And when they're staying with us in our 118 year old house, the projects all have to do with our house (it has a lot of projects). I found out last Thanksgiving and Christmas, as my kitchen was demoed, that, according to this family, holidays are traditionally days to work on projects. That was all well and good when I was pregnant and looking forward to having a dishwasher, but now that our baby is here, I want to shift the focus.

I was so looking forward to having Senpai, R, and I dress up in our matching costumes and getting lots of pictures and video of us all enjoying the day and each other's company ON HALLOWEEN. Natural light, lots of smiles, good times. Now the sun is down, who knows how smiley R will be when she wakes up from her nap, and we'll be rushed to get all of the shots in instead of taking our time and acting natural. All because I had to plant tulips, Senpai and his dad had to start building a staircase to the garage attic, and Senpai's mom had to paint. I am pissed. Are tulips, staircases, and paint what Halloween is all about? NO! So why did we waste the day with them?? No more projects on holidays. Or at least change the order of things. Celebrate the holiday for what it is first, THEN plant tulips, build a staircase, paint, or even demo a kitchen if we have to.

To end this post on a happy note, here's a pic of R looking absolutely adorable as the sparkliest merbaby EVER. I took these pics last week when I finished sewing it. Since she's a mermaid, I also sewed myself a mermaid tail, and Senpai is a pirate. Happy Halloween.







*UPDATE* We were able to take a couple pics of the three of us. Senpai's parents were running errands and not around for the little window we had between when R woke up from the nap and when she had to go back to bed. I wish we had gotten a pic of the three of us with Senpai wearing his bandana, because I really liked that bandana and I think it completes his costume, but whatever. This is what we got:

Cupcake on the Move!

Halloween Approaches

I'm running out of time.

I foolishly undertook the task of creating R's Halloween costume this year, because it's her first Halloween and I didn't like any of the store-bought concoctions. I schemed the most brilliant design, bought the most beautiful fabrics, and ever since the beginning of October have been whittling away at this project for an hour every couple of nights. But the hallowed eve is drawing near, and no, I'm not done yet.

I feel sorry for R. My Mom used to sew me the cutest little dresses and outfits. Mother/daughter dresses. I felt like I could ask her to sew me anything and she would (when she had the time, of course). My Mom has the Midas touch of sewing. Me? I've got the proverbial black thumb. I feel sorry for R because I can say with a fair amount of certainty that I will never make us mother/daughter dresses. I do not have the patience nor the proper knowledge of how to read patterns. I have only the most basic understanding of how to use a sewing machine. The flywheel of my $60 sewing machine has broken off because I depended on it so heavily.

Nevertheless, I chose to sew her a Halloween costume. Not without challenges, though. The thin, stretchy fabric kept getting eaten by the sewing machine. Maybe 2 seams were machine sewed, but the rest I have been meticulously sewing by hand. That's why this little baby costume is taking so long. I honestly feel likes it's faster to just take needle and thread to the fabric instead of continually messing with the sewing machine.

I may be running out of time, but I am excited to say that I am so close to being done. I put in overtime on it tonight, working from 9 pm to 1 am (and then staying up until 2 am to write this blog post...). I only have maybe two more seams and a little detail work to finish, and then it will be done. Then comes the scary part: trying it on her. She has grown since I took the initial measurements, but, like I said, it's a stretchy material, so it should (hopefully, fingers crossed) still fit. If it doesn't fit, I'll just have to take a picture of it without her in it: "This was your first Halloween costume, that you never wore." :-p

What a day.

I was a bundle of nerves today. R woke up at 7 am this morning screaming. She would fill up her lungs, pause all blown up like a balloon, and then scream again to let the air out. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Needless to say, I was freaked out. I've seen her upset-- oh yes, this colicky baby has been plenty upset in her 6 months of life-- but I'd never seen her unable to normally exhale like that.

Being a massage therapist, I've taken pathology classes, and my mind was reeling. She was absent of any nasal congestion. Emphysema? Doesn't make sense in a baby, but we had the air vents cleaned yesterday and that surely stirred up lots of dust. Anaphylactic shock? She's started eating solid foods and I've been giving her a small variety (I'm talking 3 here, nothing huge) instead of sticking with just one type of food. I also make her food. Did something bad happen in the production of said food? Oh God, I made her some apple-prune baby food and I used the orange-flavored prunes since I had a ton of them leftover from the pregnancy. Orange-flavored prunes!!!

Yeah, freaking out.

After she calmed down I continued to watch her like a hawk. Is she breathing right? Is she still having problems? Sure enough, she'd breathe normally for a bit and then stop for 3-5 seconds, only to pick back up again with a little gasp. I went back and forth in my mind about taking her to the hospital. I remembered in my childbirth classes that the nurse said to always take your baby straight to the emergency room when it came to respiratory issues. That statement completely agrees with my mindset that, above all else, babies must breathe. Breathing means heartbeat. Breathing means oxygen. Babies must breathe!!! I called Senpai at work and he agreed that the hospital was a good idea.

I flew, throwing together bags of diapers, toys, milk, bottles, and pumping supplies. Anytime I thought, "Oh, they have that at the hospital," I decided not to take the chance and bring whatever it was with me; just because the hospital has diapers/wipes/breast pump/bottles, does not mean that you will get them when you need it, if at all. It was a lot of crap to lug to the car, but I am so glad that I had just about everything I needed when I needed it. The only thing I did not bring was a thermos of hot water to heat up R's milk, and of course the nurse had to give me grief when I asked for a cup of hot water. I can't imagine getting through today if I had depended on the hospital for all of the other things I thought I could get there.

I took her to the emergency room, keeping a sharp ear out for her breaths the whole drive there. The triage nurse put a pulse ox on her toe (Side note-- The last time R had worn a pulse ox was in the NICU, when she weighed from 4 to 6 lbs. They wrapped the pulse ox around her entire foot back then, and today it went just on her big toe! Her big toe!!! My baby has gotten so big! :-D), took her temperature, and listened to her chest. She had no fever, no suspicious chest noises, and, surprisingly, thankfully, her blood oxygen was 100%. All that meant we could sit in the waiting room instead of being rushed back immediately to see the doctor.

Back in a room, the nurse couldn't find anything wrong. She had an attitude about her that rubbed me the wrong way, and I had to firmly impress upon her that no, it's not normal for my baby to stop breathing for any period of time, and yes, she is stopping breathing, if only you'd have the patience to stop talking at me and listen. This is the same nurse that didn't want to give me hot water. Not my favorite person of the day. Anyway, the doctor came in with more patience than the nurse, and she did notice the gaps in R's normal breathing pattern that I was talking about. She couldn't find a reason for the gaps so she sent R to get chest x-rays. The x-rays came out clear of any problems, and the only thing the doctor could think to do at that point was transfer R to Children's Hospital to see if they could find anything wrong.

Let me point out here that after the initial call to Senpai in the morning, my cell phone then decided to stop working. It could act as if it was making and receiving calls, but the call would never actually connect. Instant stressor on top of everything else going on. I'm in the hospital with my baby who isn't breathing properly and I can't call my husband to tell him what's going on, or my friends to ask someone to come help me, or my Mom to summon my inner b*tch (I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at 6 years old: whether at doctors' offices, emergency rooms, or even restaurants, my Mom knows all about standing up for your child's health). Though I couldn't make any calls, I was so relieved to still have internet connection on my phone. I typed on the touchscreen keyboard with fury, sending out e-mails like a mad woman. When I mentioned in an e-mail to Senpai that the x-ray technician had equated my description of R's breathing problems to a person drowning, he immediately left work. I got the text from him saying he was on his way. And that was the moment I realized I could text, too. My brain had been too fried to consider it.

I drove R to Children's Hospital in St. Louis, while Senpai went home to gather more resources in case they were needed before meeting up with us there. After another lengthy intake process, the doctor at Children's was very nice in explaining to us that R was perfectly fine. Yes, her breathing was off, but it was nothing dangerous. The doctor said that since R has grown bigger, she doesn't need to breathe quite as frequently as she had before, and her body is in a sort of transition period of figuring out the new pace. Hmmm... I've never heard of such a thing. Have you? Regardless, I had to agree that her breathing had normalized from what it was doing this morning, her vitals were perfect, and all of my concerns over baby food and dusty air had been shot down. I'm still going to keep a close eye on her, and she has an appointment with her pediatrician on Tuesday. For future reference, the doctor clarified that babies need to come to the ER when they stop breathing for any longer than 20 seconds (that is WAY too long in my book), and turn blue.

Spare me any more days like today. What a day.

What I Talk About When I Talk About Walking

Yesterday I walked with R in the Baby Bjorn from our house to our little Main street shopping district. We went to Panera Bread for (my) lunch, stopped in a friend's shop to chat, walked over to the library to read a book or two, and then headed back home.


She fell asleep in the Bjorn as we were walking back.

We walked a total of 2.2 miles, and the entire trip lasted 2 hours.

I love to walk. If the weather is nice and the destination is relatively close, you can bet I'm walking. R isn't a big fan of her carseat anyway. That just makes me wish more places were accessible on foot. I once backpacked over 200 miles of mountains out in New Mexico (ever heard of Philmont?). I used to backpack the Appalachians all the time. If I go to the gym I don't run on treadmills but briskly walk instead. I like walking. Get it? I love riding my bike even more, but R is still too little for me to do that with her.

The only problem I have with walking is that I get so excited about the idea of it that when I'm out there actually doing it, I'm suddenly reminded of its physical aspect. I remember that I've been mostly sedentary for the past year. I remember that those glorious days of backpacking up and down mountains were over 10 years ago. I remember that now I'm not just carrying my own weight, but a 17 lb baby as well. Then I think, "I'm worn out! But I still think it's a good idea that I did this!" Thankfully, yesterday's trip was ONLY 2.2 miles. Two years ago I got the bright idea to walk the entire way around a 7 mile path. I was in better shape then, and that's before R joined the picture, but I was one sorry puppy when we finished. My walking enthusiasm needs a censor.

And, somehow, I never learn my lesson. Even after the 2.2 mile jaunt, last night when Senpai came home, I joined him (with R in the Bjorn, of course) and the dog on an 8 block walk, and this morning we are headed to the gym. My enthusiasm knows no bounds. I'm glad to get up and start being active again, but man, am I sore.

Attached?

While doing most things while pumping is difficult, it is quite easy for me to sit in front of my laptop and tool around on the internet; as long as I've got my mouse-hand free, I'm good. It's a little more difficult to write a blog post; pecking out words on the keyboard with one hand takes that much longer than properly typing with two (such as I'm doing right now). I recently discovered that playing with Illustrator is as easy as internet surfing, so I excitedly set about trying to make a cute little emblem for my page.

I wanted a badge of something I could be proud of as a mom. Boy, did that open up an internal can of worms. After sitting for awhile with a blank head and absolutely no ideas, I finally decided to illustrate the word "attached". I've read a bunch of books by the Sears family, and, while I don't do exactly everything they say, I'd like to be considered attached to R. Let's see how I measure up to the Sears Baby B's:

Birth Bonding: Haha, no. R went straight to NICU after she was born, I didn't see her until 3 hours later, and I spent very little time with her the first couple of days due to my own ailment. Moving on... (-)

Breastfeeding: I tried to get her to breastfeed, but she just wasn't taking to it. She still drinks breastmilk, though, which I think I should get points for. (-/+)

Babywearing: I carry her around often throughout the day, sometimes in a sling, mostly not. But I do have to put her down to pump breastmilk for 15 minutes every 3 hours. And if I'm not lucky enough to pump during her naptime, she's usually crying for most of those 15 minutes with little I can do to calm her. There go my points. (+/-)

Bed-Sharing: We slept together when she was smaller, but she'd wake up when Senpai left the bed to get ready for work in the morning. He nicknamed her "Tripwire" because she'd have one little finger or toe touching him, and then when he wasn't there anymore, EXPLODE! So she sleeps contentedly in her crib in her bedroom now, waking up because she wants to and not because of something either of us did. (-)

Belief in Baby's Cries: This I absolutely adhere to, mostly for the fact that R is so gassy. When she starts crying, the standard protocol is to pick her up, calm her down, and then wait for the delicious burp that will usually come out. And yes, she has learned how to "fake cry" when she wants attention, but the simple solution to that is to give her attention. Happy baby. (+)

Balance and Boundaries: I think we're good here. Now, at least, though it was much harder during her colicky days. Senpai and I have a routine down of who does what when, so we each care for her in our own way. We both need to get out for date nights more, though. (+)

Beware of Baby Trainers: I certainly don't let R "cry it out," but I do have her on a schedule, something the Sears disagree with. The fact is that neglecting to adhere to a schedule for a baby is only possible if the baby breastfeeds. I have to know when R will sleep, when I'll be able to pump, and when I'll need to get a bottle ready for her. Those are things I just have to know to be ready and minimize crying time. So, R is on a schedule, but it's HER schedule. I listen to her, and if something isn't timed right, I change it. I do read the Baby Whisperer books, and they have helped this new, inexperienced mother tremendously. (-)


5 minuses and 4 pluses. That's about what I figured. The pluses are right where I'd want them to be. Even if I may not measure up to the Sears' expectations, you can't ignore the fact that I spend all day with her! ^_^ I think I've earned my attached badge. I'm very proud of it, too.




Since I was in Illustrator anyway, I decided to also make a signature for the blog. "She Looks Like a Mom" was too long, and didn't make sense to put as a signature, so I gave up my anonymity for this. I figured you would find out anyway if you sent me an e-mail. Now you know who I am. Isn't it pretty?

Craft Fail

I'm feeling very under-accomplished as a mom right now. I see my friends with babies on facebook post status updates about all of the clothes they've made for their babies, the cakes and pies they've baked, the marathons they've run, and I'm like, "Really?? You have time to do all that?"

I have wanted to crochet R a hat FOREVER. I am still trying to crochet her a hat. I take the blame for refusing to follow directions. I find patterns that I like, but I refuse to use the acrylic yarn that the pattern calls for and choose to use natural fibers instead, because I'm difficult like that. But then the hat turns out way too small because even though the yarn widths are the same, they refuse to crochet up the same way. So then I have to alter the pattern to make it fit around R's head, which gets me stuck in a cycle of waiting for her to be both in a good mood and awake for me to test it on her, rip some progress out to do it over, wait to try it on her again, etc. I have been stuck in this cycle for so so long on not only one, but two hats now. And I'm getting really fed up with it. Why can't the yarns that I like have cute baby patterns to go with them???

I am also in the beginning stages of sewing her a Halloween costume, and I am terrified because, once again, I do not have a pattern. Tonight I was able to sew two seams by hand. There are many more seams to go. I'm using stretchy fabric that the sewing machine keeps trying to eat, which leaves me no choice but to hand sew a lot of it. Not to mention the fact that I'm wary of sewing machines in general. I like the slow perfection that can be attained with hand-stitching, but that's just it: it's slow. Once I sew a couple more seams, then I will need to try it on her again, and hope, hope, hope that everything is going well.

My craft projects run on hope. And no time. And difficult decision making. No wonder I can't get anything done.

It doesn't help matters any that Senpai hasn't had a day off in the past 17 days. If he were here more often it'd be easier For us to both keep R entertained and get chores taken care of. Then perhaps there would be a bit more time leftover for me to do something else besides pump breastmilk, do laundry, wash dishes, or prepare food. It's not as if he had a choice in the matter though. I'm looking forward to his time off this coming weekend and I'm sure he is, too. In the meantime I'm falling asleep. Time for bed.