Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Sleepless Mommy

It's a cruel twist of fate that when I was dying from exhaustion earlier this afternoon, Poppy refused to nap. And now that she is sleeping soundly, I can't fall asleep. I've been lying in bed since 7 pm. It's just not gonna happen yet. I am so backlogged on sleep it isn't funny. Not that I ever consider lack of sleep to be humorous...

I don't like the mother I am when I'm not well rested. Well-Rested Mommy is patient, kind, and loving. Sleepless Mommy is snippy with Daddy, apathetic to the children's cries, and just downright mean. I lost patience with Rosemary today at 8 am. There was no recovery after that, and our important foot doctor appointment in St. Louis suffered. She didn't want to go to the appointment, she wanted to stay home. "Sorry, honey, your Daddy worked really hard to get us this appointment. We've been waiting for months and now the day is finally here. We have to go." Cue toddler meltdown. Cue adorable baby sister getting kicked in the FACE with a SNEAKERED FOOT. Cue Mommy rage (you might as well cut to the credits here because the rest of the day was no better). We did make it to the appointment and we did hear some good news that this current pair of orthotics may be Rosemary's last, but Rosemary was not on good behavior. The doctor wasn't able to complete some important tests simply because the girl wouldn't stop foaming at the mouth.

I know her misbehavior stemmed from being sent to daycare yesterday for the first time in a year; I don't blame her for wanting to stay home today. It was a rough morning leaving her there. She was perfectly happy and content when Senpai picked her up later in the day, but drop-off was brutal. I am not looking forward to tomorrow morning. Or Friday morning. But I need this. I need her to be stimulated by children her own age. I need a nap! The girl doesn't nap anymore. I go upstairs to lie down and nurse Poppy, I get all nice and relaxed.... Poppy falls asleep, and then I groggily go back downstairs, trying to pep myself up enough to be good company for Rosemary. It's hard, especially when I've been living off 4 hours of sleep at night. My diseased body craves ten hours.

I'm an emotional wreck. I'm anxious about the act of dropping Rosemary off at daycare. I'm anxious about my lack of a preschool decision and worry that I've missed important deadlines. I feel guilty that I haven't planned Poppy a proper first birthday party. That one stings. I let indecisiveness, uncertainty, and inaction ruin my daughter's first birthday. What kind of a mother am I?

One who needs sleep.



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