Things I Love

Today I decided to counter my recent Scrooge demeanor by focusing on taking beautiful pictures of the things I enjoy ala Enjoying the Small Things. It worked. ^_^

Here's what makes my heart go a-flutter:

These dimples.


This bouncing baby elf.


Crochet projects.


An afternoon spent making a unique snowman with Senpai.


Cute baby clothes.


New clothes from Anthropologie.


Daddy/daughter time.


Matching pj's.


Sleeping Senpai.



Sigh. I feel better. Thanks for letting me share. <3

Bah Humbug

I was lying in bed a couple nights ago, listening to Senpai breathing in his sleep to one side of me, and R softly breathing in her crib to the other side, and I hated myself. I was able to eventually push nagging thoughts aside to fall asleep, but the feeling lingered the next day, and the next. I thought I was a nice person. I thought I was good. Lately, though, my thoughts are usually blaming, negative, and nasty. I throw mini temper tantrums in my head multiple times a day.

There are reasons for the disgruntled thoughts: it's SAD season, coupled with the fact that we have extended guests. I can't find anything because it's not where I left it. R has a tooth now, and it took me TWO DAYS to find the baby toothpaste I had only used once before it was moved to some obscure location that makes absolutely no sense for it to be there. Can you tell this drives me crazy? Running in circles around the house, "Where can it be?!!" At least I found it this morning. I was just about to go buy another tube.

The reasons to be flustered are there, but I still don't like it. Where do you get that "Patience of a Saint" stuff? Can I buy it in bulk? I'm thinking I need 3, maybe 4 gallons at least. I have so many reasons to be grateful, so why do I feel like I'm banging an empty cup against the table, demanding more? I need that Overflowing Cup type feeling, or at least Glass Half Full. Where does it come from?

Sunshine helps.

Being able to find things where I put them helps.

Just gotta make it through the winter.

Graphically Challenged (but functional)

It's been quiet in blogland. That's certainly understandable with the holidays and all. I haven't had an urge to write either, so I decided to use the time I would've been writing by designing a couple of graphics. You can see them on my sidebar; I made a family rundown graphic and a button for the blog, both of which I'd been meaning to do for awhile. I hope you like them!

I went to school for graphic design back in the day, but I'm so rusty now. I have a hard time finding my way around Photoshop Elements because things aren't where I'm used to them being in the professional version, and then I always forget that Illustrator does not have "Free Transform" in the menu. There's a handy dandy "Free Transform" tool in the toolbar, but I waste so much time looking for it in the menu that it's positively ridiculous. Oh well. Good thing I don't do this for a living. ;-)

Please feel free to grab a button on your way out. And if I don't post again before then, Happy New Year to all!!

The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas,


when all through the house, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse.


The stockings were hung by the chimney with care


in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.


The children were nestled all snug in their beds...


(That's it. Merry Christmas!!!)

(PS... it's a white Christmas!)


(PPS... AND we went to church!)


(Okay, I'm done. But, seriously, love and joy to all. ^_^)

Season's Greetings

From our family to yours...


Card from Shutterfly

Longer Out Than In

R is almost 9 months old. I was about to get all sentimental, "Oh, she'll be out in the world for longer than she'd been inside me!" But then I realized that it's already happened; R was premature! She was born at 33 weeks, also known as 7 1/2 months, holy crap I totally missed that milestone. Sigh. So, as of the middle of November, she has been on the outside longer than she was inside.



On a happy note, my body is back to how it was pre-pregnancy, just with slightly bigger boobs (I'm okay with that).

The Beginning of the End

It was bound to happen sometime, but it's still disappointing.

My milk is drying up.

I've been sick for over a week. I'm getting better, but I just can't stay hydrated enough. My supply has diminished, and I'm wondering if it's even worth it to continue sitting for pumping sessions. Of course it is. It's just so disappointing to come out with so very little milk at the end of 15 minutes... 20 minutes... no difference. I'm lucky if I get two ounces anymore.

I had wanted to give R breastmilk for a year. That was the idea. We're almost at 9 months. She's doing fine, she's great, really. She doesn't NEED it in the sense that formula disagrees with her. No, the formula sits with her just fine. I want to give her milk because of the immunity. Get her through the winter. That was my thinking. But I got sick. She didn't, which is huge in favor of continuing breastmilk, but I have to consider my health. My mental health is pining the loss of its ideals, my emotional health is going down with it, my physical health is getting better, but like I said, I'm just not hydrated enough to produce more milk, and I don't see that getting any better. I'm a sinking ship.

So do I continue? All signs point to no. Order a bulk batch of formula from Amazon and let that be it. Stop the depressing pumping sessions and use up what little milk is left in the freezer. But what about the two ounces that I am still getting? Will I really be okay with... giving up? Beat around the bush, but while my body still makes milk, that's what this boils down to: giving up. I had thought that I would pump and pump and pump until the bottles came out dry. I hadn't considered the mental or emotional effects of such steadfast ideals. My heart is already broken at two ounces, what will I feel with empty bottles? Am I already there? Is this the worst I can feel about it?

I can't just give up.

I'll continue to fight. My heart won't let me give up. Not yet. Not while I can still squeeze some drops of liquid from these dried up breasts.

WIP Wednesday and other things

I thought I'd post my work in progress today. There's still lots more to do to it so maybe you'll get some more updates as I go.



The last reverb10 topic I saw asked me what the wisest decision I had made this year was. I thought about it, then thought about it some more, and as I became more and more ill (Remember that headache I mentioned? That was the beginning of fever and the head and chest congestion that manifested this past week.), I decided that the wisest decision I could make was to stop participating in reverb10. It's a time suck that takes away from other things I'd rather blog about, and I don't feel any better for answering the questions. So I will humbly bow out this year.

What would I rather blog about? R had her first fever Monday night leading into Tuesday. As I was busy hacking up my lungs, R was trying to push out her first tooth. Nobody slept that night. We were able to break the fever with peppermint essential oil, ibuprofrin, and, finally, a bath. I'm just amazed that after everything-- the sleepless night, the feverish day, the baby that refused to be put down all day-- the tooth still isn't out. It has partially broken the surface of the gums, but it's still wedged down there. Looking forward to lots more fun.

Different / Party

December 8 Beautifully different.
Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.

Different... That topic has been at the forefront of my mind since the in-laws moved in. The ways I am different from this family are many. One of the big ones is that I am a low energy individual, so I do not accomplish nearly as much in a day as the rest of the household. What I do get done are the things that I find to be most important. That may make me seem like a lazy person, but I am not an overachieving neat-freak because I'd collapse from exhaustion if I tried. I wash some dishes, do some laundry, crochet a bit, pump and pump and pump breast milk, and call it a day.

What I lack in gumption I hope I make up for in heart. I have a heart as big as the world: easy to love, and easy to break. I know that my husband loves that about me, I just hope it doesn't drive him too crazy that I can't watch certain action-packed movies with him because I empathize with all of the characters, up to and including the extras being blown up in the background.

Senpai lights up when I look like more than a mom, say, the stylish, confident woman I used to be. R lights up when I genuinely smile. I know I need to do those things more often for my beloved family.

December 9 Party.
What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

Umm.. party? After a baby? It's not that bad, actually, we have attended a few gatherings. Senpai had two Christmas parties, one for his work, and one for the military. The work party was most recent, and it certainly took the cake for ritzy location, gourmet food, and fancy dress. I had a good time at that party, but it could not compare with the fun we both had at the military party. See, we like karaoke. Senpai was part of the planning committee for the military party, and they put him in charge of finding a dj, so he said, "Why not karaoke?" Why not indeed. The party started with the usual fanfare: let's thank these people blah, blah, now stand up and go through the buffet line to get your food, everyone vote on who has the worst Christmas sweater or tie, etc, etc... and then Senpai had the balls to stand up in front of his commanding officers and entire unit and sing "Folsom Prison Blues." Oh yeah. He was breaking out the Johnny Cash, and the room was completely silent in awe of what he just did. He was met with applause afterwards, but no one else had the guts to follow him. I did, cause I can, and still, no one else sang. Actually, the room emptied out like lightning after dinner because nobody on the planning party happened to take into consideration the fact that it was a sports heavy night. Take a bunch of military guys and ask them if they'd rather mingle or watch football and you know what the answer is going to be. Senpai and I could care less about sports, so we were having a blast hanging out with another couple. Once EVERYONE else left except for our friends and the staff, that's when the party REALLY started. The dj was great in that he could hear you sing one song and then he'd pull up other songs that he knew you could at least try, if not like. We had the place rented until 11 pm, but with no one there, the staff could have fun with us, singing and drinking like nobody's business. That was the best night of karaoke that I have ever had. My favorite part of the night was when the dj pulled up U2's "With or Without You" for Senpai to sing. I think someone else was supposed to sing it maybe, but they didn't want to and they left Senpai with it. He was doing a good job, but I remembered that my high school band had covered it (oh so long ago!), and I picked up the other mic and sang a duet with him. Our voices just melded in a way that we have not had happen with any other song, and it was so beautiful. Our small audience was just as impressed as we were. It was a truly beautiful moment that capped off an amazingly fun night.

Final Exam Time

Okay, so I didn't get into this on Sunday like I had hoped I would. Looks like I'll just have to ignore my splitting headache (dehydration, anyone?) for the moment and crank these out like a final exam.


December 5 Let Go.
What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

I had to let go of a lot of things to make room for my baby: sleep, frivolity, time with friends, time for myself, focusing on myself. Those are the ones that immediately come to mind. I don't regret it, though. Life is so much more exciting having her here.


December 6 Make.
What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

What was the last thing? Maybe R's pacifier keeper that I made from a ribbon.


Oh, nevermind! In looking for that picture (not like I had to, we have that pacifier clipped to her every single day, hence it's in A LOT of pictures) I reminded myself that I made R and my Halloween costumes. I'm very proud of those mermaid costumes, but I am NOT looking forward to doing that again anytime soon. Good thing Halloween is only once a year.

Things I want to make are many, but things I know I'll make... I hope the list doesn't get chopped down too much. I am in the middle of crocheting R a stuffed animal, I still want to crochet her a hat, and I want to make a "Happy Birthday" banner before well, her first birthday.


December 7 Community.
Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I have not joined any sort of community this year, in fact, I became even more isolated than I had been before. Well, maybe that's not true. I have discovered mommy blogs. I have more info on how to handle certain child-raising challenges and obstacles because I can peek into the minds of other moms who have been there or are there. I get to see what joys I can look forward to, as well.

In 2011, I'd like to start getting R and I to participate in real, live mommy groups. Mommy and me classes, playgroups, bring it on. She's getting to be old enough to play with other kiddos. R needs friends and so do I. ^_^

Wonder{ful}

December 4 Wonder.
How did you cultivate a sense of wonder this year?

Babies are wonder{ful}. R is 8 months old now (wearing 12 mos. clothes!), and in such a short period of time she has evolved from a sleepy little thing to a playful, curious, whatsinyourhandIwantit baby. It gets me to the core that I get to experience each new moment of wonder with her. She stares at a piece of paper, turning it over in her hands, crinkling it between her tiny fingers, and I'm staring at her staring at the paper. As amazed as she is by whatever new object or experience she comes upon, I am just as amazed at her for discovering it.

(I'm behind in these because the home office is now a construction zone. Just pulled the laptop out from under the sheet covering my desk and set it up in the living room. Hope to get back on track tomorrow.)

Traipsing Through the Woods

December 3 Moment.
Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

It was a gray, cloudy day at the beginning of November, but I was so happy that it felt like the sun was shining down and warming me from the cockles of my heart. Stress had been mounting in the home, so Senpai and I took the day off and had quality time with the baby in Forest Park.

Though the thick clouds overhead refused to let the sun through, it was sweater weather, not too cold yet (what Senpai calls "light jacket weather," and then I reply, "I don't have a light jacket!" so I call it sweater weather). With the diaper bag stuffed to the gills and R strapped snug her stroller, we plodded around the large, urban park in search of hidden treasures. We felt at some times victorious, at others frustrated and confused, but never discouraged. Even when a couple of raindrops trickled down from the sky, we stayed to our path and just kept walking.

When we had worn ourselves out and decided we had done enough traipsing through the woods, the day was capped off with hot drinks ala Kaldi's Coffee. We savored the sweetness of our respective beverages, as R enjoyed her bottle of warm milk. Then the smells of locally roasted coffee lingered as we made the long drive back home.

It had been a beautiful, gray, cloudy day in the park.

A Month-Long Experiment in Wordage

I have recently noticed some bloggers participating in the #reverb10 "reflect on this year & manifest what's next" exercise. This sounds like a beautiful idea. I'm in.

December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

2010's word is BABY. Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. I was 5 months pregnant with my first child in January. I had quit working already, and every second of every day was devoted to maintaining my health and the health of the baby. It was a difficult pregnancy rife with exhaustion, lots of doctor appointments, leg swelling, and painful feet. The baby was due mid-May, but we were scared by contractions happening at the end of February. Those contractions were stopped, only to continue again at the end of March, when a bad turn in my health meant baby had to come out 7 weeks early. It's been a whirlwind ever since of daily visits to the NICU when she was there for her first 20 days, and then caring for a premature infant when we brought her home, to colic for the next 6 months, and now, finally, I'm able to care for her, myself, and even get some chores done, too. All eyes are still on the baby, but that's because she is just too cute to ignore!

I hope that 2011 brings more... how do I put it? Understanding? Maybe assurance in what I'm doing? I certainly want less craziness. Yeah, I guess assurance, self-assurance, is the word.


December 2 Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

Wasting time on the internets. No doubt. Facebook, stupid games, manga, etc... nothing to contribute to anything. I got swept up in the belief of, "I'm pumping! I can't do ANYTHING, so I might as well waste time." And waste time I have done, so very many times. Just because I'm pumping breast milk doesn't mean I can't write, or create something. It's disheartening to look back over this past year and realize just how very little I have accomplished. I'm not a writer per se... my blog has only a few followers and I don't have any other writing projects, but it is still nice to create something.

Yes, internet time-suckage can certainly be eliminated, if not drastically reduced. Just look at me now, writing this blog post instead of zoning out in front of Sudoku. ^_^ I'm proud.